Stages and Cages

The eyes of my life have seen so much, my skin and heart have felt things that are often written in the story lines of a Lifetime movie. There's no doubt that I have thick skin, I am used to chaos and pain, but nothing, that I have faced, compares to having to watch my son experience all that he is. Everyday, I realize how much I lack in my starring role, as "mama", in my son's life. I often feel like I am on a stage with a large audience watching, wide-eyed, as I slowly stutter and learn, line by line, my role in this life. Everyday I am brought to tears, and brought to my knees, as my son's days are like whirlwinds of truly contrasting conflicts and emotions. 

Is it possible to feel both agony and joy at the very same time? To fear and yet, also, hope for what could be? Some would say "no". They'd have to argue with all that has existed in me, at any given moment of any random part of my day, as I purpose to parent and keep up with a beautiful child with unique needs and perspectives. It's like my heart is a UFC cage and my emotions and thoughts go to battle (not necessarily against each other). Regardless of when or where the fight goes down, agony taps out and fear gets knocked out... and lies, non-threatening, on the cold mat beneath my feet. That's right, truth always wins. 

I might 'only' be a mom, but I don't have to fear battle or ever stand-by and let my son fend for himself, simply because I don't always understand him; what he is enduring, thinking, feeling, fighting or how he is responding to it all. When I stand alone, as a 5' 5'', 110 pound woman with mere "experience" on my side, I am weak, have little to offer my son, and defeat would be imminent. Oh, but I never stand alone and neither does my sweet boy. God is near and his strength  abides in us and His shield is like a fortress around us. I never, for one second, saw our lives changing so drastically and so quickly, but I don't have to fear the unknown because God has been faithfully preparing us for such a time as this. Even while I was in my mom's womb and my son was in mine, God was already teaching us and weaving wisdom into our souls (Psalm 51:6). 

So often in a day, I have to remind myself that God chose my womb for my son's life to begin. When I feel overwhelmed or dismayed (because trust me, I do) I can rest in God's faithfulness that is like a hammock holding my heart. I was chosen, hand-picked, to be my son's, my firstborn's, mom and God will never leave me high and dry, but continue teaching  me to be a shelter for my son. After all, all I can truly ever be is a shelter; "a place giving temporary protection." Yes, I will always, as long as I am on this earth, be there (as best I can), for my son, but I cannot expect more from myself than what I am able to give or be. Only God can be my son's haven; "a [permanent] place of safety or refuge". I can trust God to be all that I lack, all that I simply am not or could never be and because of that... I can breath and be filled, again, with great hope.  Regardless of what my sweet boy is facing, feeling, or contemplating or how "far away" he seems, I know that the same God who created him is still, very much, tending to him, holding his hand, and guiding him.

When I first believed and trusted in Jesus I didn't think anything could compare to such comfort, peace and relief. I was wrong, I wasn't a mom yet. The depth of my need for Jesus goes beyond my own salvation, goes deeper than anything I could possibly hope for myself. It's not only my son, Evod, who has been changed by Intractable Epilepsy, Autism Spectrum Disorder and Bipolar Disorder tendencies. Our entire family has been changed, and my heart surely has. Though the ache that I feel is hard to explain, I am far from being embarrassed of what has become of our lives. Fear and   embarrassment, I rebuke, and refuse to allow in our home. I embrace and love my sweet boy, exactly as he his. God is doing extraordinary things in Evod and I cherish, and so deeply value, all that he offers to my world... and, to yours. 

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 
- 2 Corinthians 12:9