Resisting the Rain

Resistance and rebellion are so similar, like twin sisters who shared a womb. I confess that  both have, indeed, resided in me. In fact, they have, even in this season where I've realized that this storm is far from being just about our son and his journey with complex physical and mental illness. This storm is about what God wants to do in and through him, but also the rest of our family; my husband, our two daughters... and me. 

It's so easy and, in ways, "natural" for us to resist trials. Living as a Christian, sometimes I think we get too comfortable with the concept of trying to pray away our pain along with our seasons of suffering. Yes, I absolutely, 100%, believe in fasting and prayer as being vital parts of our relationship with Jesus. But, I absolutely, do not want my prayer life to only be riddled with my human minded petitions, but rather also be woven with sincere praise and trust. Please, don't misunderstand me, I cry out to God everyday, as my heart feels broken, but He deserves to be praised IN this storm - not just  when He provides a way OUT of it. I have faith in Jesus, who still heals and calms storms but that doesn't mean that those things should define Him and my relationship with Him. Sometimes He spares us of our suffering, other times He uses our suffering to bring us to a place of repentance, abundance and glory. The Lord is very much able, but we mustn't forget that He is also sovereign. I don't want to face this storm, with my family, only having faith in Jesus' ability, but in His name; His goodness apart from what He does or doesn't do for us. 

Sure, there is a rather large part of me that would love for all of this to go away and for my son's suffering to cease, but if I spend my days pleading for all of this to go away am I truly trusting and resting? Or  would my prayers then reveal that I am resisting a season, that He has allowed to come our way?

Allowed this season... this rough, heart wrenching, painful, confusing, tear-filled, mourning, desperate season? Exactly. In this moment, when my life seems to be turned upside down, can I really say that I trust God, with my whole heart, and then want to [strive to] "fix" everything around me to my liking or to fit my view of what I think is best for my family? When it comes to suffering [among other things], perhaps we need to remember what side of Heaven we are on. We still live in a place where, regardless of who we are, resistance can suddenly turn to rebellion as sin tries to hide in us [destroy us]- under a mask of Christian talk, Sunday church quotes on FB, and false humility leaking out through our words... and sometimes even into our prayers. Oh yes, we are on this side of Heaven where God lovingly uses suffering so that grace, refinement, and redemption can flourish in us and, in return, show us Who truly reigns. 

Can any "good" possibly come from all of this suffering? Why would God allow such a painful trial?

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Can we face suffering and tribulation and yet still have peace as we rest in Jesus? But, if we rest  and have peace, does that mean that we have given up on hope, healing, and prayer?

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

Can a season of suffering result from sin? Absolutely, but does that mean that all suffering is due to sin? 

John 9:1-5 "As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind.'"

"'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,'" said Jesus, '"But this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, He must do the work of Him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.'"

I am a Christian, I am a "good" person, why must I suffer? It's not about how "good" we are, it's about God's glory!

1 Peter 4:12-13 "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

"God wouldn't bring this upon my family, He wouldn't lead us here! This MUST be from satan." When those are nearly the only thoughts that fill our mind and take over our prayers, I think we have to reevaluate what our view of GOD, the great I AM, is.

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you... to teach you that man does not live by bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

God is good and has a purpose... even in this? 

Psam 66:8-12 "Praise our God, O peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance."

Purpose to Pursue

Time seems to pass so much quicker these days, as if someone has made a hole in the hour glass keeping track of the minutes, hours, and days. If I am honest, I will say that managing my time, and all that fills it, isn't easy. I try to prioritize, but suddenly the scale seems to be somewhat tipped on one side. 

Favoritism certainly isn't the culprit, but I have found myself forced to face the fact that, in the middle of learning to parent (and help) our beautiful special needs son and tending to our sweet baby girl (among other things, of course), my marriage and my mild mannered and loving middle child are slowly slipping through the cracks. Naturally, I have been trying so hard to learn all I can about Intractable Epilepsy, Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Asperger's,  that I [unnaturally] left too little time for playing dollies, dress up and princess time with my treasure hunting, adventure seeking, creative girl. 

It's amazing to me that even if we aren't intentional about doing something, it can indeed happen - if we aren't intent about not letting it happen. I have tried to be mindful of how Avnielle is coping in the midst of all of these major life changes, but that isn't enough. I have to purpose to seek her out; create time for her and I to just be silly/play/rest together, find out how she's processing her brother being ill, spend time with her in her room with her toys and her wonderful imagination. I know that God has chosen Avnielle to be Evod's little sister, Liella's big sister, and our middle daughter. She has been such a gift through all of this; so patient, compassionate, fun, funny, cuddly,understanding and so very graceful. I need to make sure she knows that I know, and so cherish, those things (and more) about her. 

Ahh... and, my husband. I couldn't have hand picked a better Papa for our children. He loves each of them in ways I never knew of, or experienced (as a child). I admire him, respect him, and learn so much from him but does he know that I feel that way? He works hard for us, sometimes seven days a week - between two jobs, and I am so grateful for all that we have. Again, does he know that I am grateful? I love his smiles, kisses, and long hugs. Especially now, his affection means so much to me. Do I humbly let him know that his affections help me cope and smile from the inside, even if perhaps you can't always see the smile on the outside?

Now is not the time to assume; in fact, a marriage [and parenthood] isn't the place to assume, but rather affirm. Too many marriages die in the midst of a crises (Yes, I have come to realize that our family is right smack dab in the middle of crisis.). I will not standby and watch as my marriage becomes a part of a statistic. I refuse to live under the umbrella of denial and assumptions, blocking the sunlight from exposing areas of sin, pain, neglect, and ignorance. Seeing such things might seem like an inconvenience right now, in light of all we are facing, but it's necessary. It's vital. 

The truth is, stress and worry can cause us to shy away from the very things that can help us to thrive in the midst of a storm/trial/crisis; confession, repentance, forgiveness, affirmation. Life doesn't stand still,just so that we can tend to the part of our lives that is in crisis, and temptation doesn't resist the opportunities that lie within. Satan seeks to steal, kill and destroy. And, nope, he doesn't put those "goals" aside either... ever. 

Ahh... and then there's God. Even in this storm, I know God loves us. He has been so faithful to give us rest and hope- even when sleep is far from us, even when circumstance seems grim. He has continually shown us how near He is, even when our eyes cannot see. Through His creation, He speaks such love to us, even if our ears don't hear a word. God purposefully pursues us! I want to purpose to pursue my Lord, my husband, and each of my children. I thank God for opening my eyes to see, the tipping scale in my life, before I unknowingly allowed it to put a wedge between my husband and I. My children and I. My God and I. 

{Don't assume. Affirm.}