Amen.

He sat there, surrounded by people who love him dearly, as he grabbed the sand and let it sift through his fingers whispering, "I'm invisible. I'm invisible." He was unaware that I was watching and listening, I walked over to sit by him, but he quickly got up and ran. 

Lord, You are our invisible Guest in every room and wherever we are You are there. I ask that You, in your invisibleness, would meet Evod as he feels so unseen. Father, I see him, please touch his mind and heart and help him to feel and trust... that I see him. Most importantly, let him know that You do. May the confusion and lies be sifted out like the sand in his hand, and be replaced with TRUTH. I thank You, for holding his fragile heart. So often I wish I could do more, be different, do better for him [for my family] in this terribly painful storm. Thank You, for filling in all those gaps. Thank You, for being all that I am not and helping me... just be, as I surrender. Thank You, for loving Evod like only the Creator of the sun, moon, stars, and my boy, could. May that love penetrate his heart, spirit, and mind more and more each day... each hour. 

He was so eager to be their friend, but they... they saw something different and had no time, or desire, to play with him. Not to play, but to tease and gang up - they had time for that. My boy was so naive, at first, and was laughing "happily", but me? I had a roaring lion inside of me and I wanted to say a thing or two to those boys. However, our situation is so incredibly delicate and so I intervened as gently as I could. Once my sweet boy's manic episode settled a bit, he realized those boys were bullies. Immediately, he said, "Oh, I know! If I give them my cookie THEN they will be my friends." My heart sunk, and I looked into his eyes and tried talking him through that lie. For the next hour, I watched my son spiral in manic episodes and pain.  I continued trying to corral him close to me, affirming my affections towards him, but I knew... Later that night, once Evod's mind stopped reeling and the mania gave him a break and the dust started to settle in his mind - aggression rapidly increased in him, he was back to overwhelmingly feeling alone and questioning his desire to breath on this earth anymore. 

Father, I ask you... I need you to cover my son's mind in truth. Shower his scattered, exaggerated, painful, isolating thoughts in your love. Illuminate truth among all other textures, let it echo beyond all the other noise. Just as you calmed the seas and walked on the water, I pray that you would calm the choppy waters in his mind... walk and enter those troubled thoughts. I pray that though so much in his life is gray to him, and confusion, insecurities, and painful textures torment him, I pray that he would cling to You as his Anchor in this storm. I pray that my boy would find his confidence in You... his greatest Companion in You... his peace in You. Though I know Heaven would bring my boy the comfort he so desperately longs for, please... I cry out to you to please give him the courage and desire to want to stay with us... as I live to try to protect him as best as I can. This ache.... this ache in me goes to the deepest parts of me, when I hear my sweet boy say that he doesn't want to be here anymore. Jesus.... revive him. Let his eyes see life when he sees the clouds, trees, his family, when he feels the breeze or the rain of his face. Fill his dreams with hope of a new day... of joy in the morning. 

He never said a mean word to me or towards me or raised a hand, before the seizures began and Bipolar Disorder, Asperger's, and others followed. Now, Im getting good at not taking it personal. I know that [deep down] he doesn't want to hurt me, but manic and aggressive episodes,  and responses to the many triggers that taunt him make it difficult to not let out, or give into,... rages. Though it's painful, it helps for me to remember Evod, how he used to be. Remembering that he was such a gentle, patient, flexible and generous boy helps me to have compassion and patience with all that aggression, rages, and violence that peppers our days. And, to SO appreciate and praise the gentle, flexible, and patient moments, when they come. He doesn't know why this has happened to him, why he suddenly questions love, affirmation, and life, why he has a hard time leaving the safety of our home (or his room), why suddenly all these textures make it so hard from him to enjoy the simple things, much less the big ones. He's a five year old with such a kind, beautiful, tender and... broken heart. We have broken hearts together. 

Jesus, you have been convicting me of my lack of gentleness and patience for some time now, and faithfully refining and growing those things in me. I could not say "thank you" enough to you. Thank you for changing me and preparing me for this, the most painful season of my life. Please, continue to be all that we need to endure and climb on top of this mountain, with my boy (and our family). Father, when pain rages in him, and he can't help but let that rage out, please continue to settle my heart and mind. Please continue to help me to respond to him with love, grace, and direction. Help us to guide him. Please, set his beautiful mind on things above and I pray that the Word, hidden in his beautiful heart, would minister to him... beyond emotion, beyond pain, beyond lies, beyond textures, beyond medication, beyond anything of this earth... minister and renew his inward being. Thank You for being our Lighthouse when moments are too dark to see right in front of us. I ask for You to heal Evod, to bring his mind to peace. As his mama, I ask You to rescue him from this terrible pain and confusion  - set all the lies straight, let TRUTH regulate! Father, I believe... I know, that you are able. I ask you for this miracle, for mercy, but Lord I trust you regardless of how You choose to answer these prayers. 

           God offers Mercy. Purpose. Hope. Joy. Peace. Grace IN the storm, not always instead of the storm.

"As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind.'"

"'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,'" said Jesus, '"But this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, He must do the work of Him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.'"

- John 9:1-5

Lord, I cannot claim to understand why this has happened, but I do pray that Your might, love,radiance, strength,  and grace would [always] be seen in Evod's life... in our lives.