It's like at the end of Winter when the seemingly dry branches are covered with tiny bright green specks; little signs of new life. What a gift to my eyes, even if just a glimmer of progress or a glimpse of beautiful things to come. Just the same, as new vibrant leaves are starting to form on early Spring branches after a long, cold Winter, I see God moving inside of our beautiful son.
Mental Illness does not have the power to minimize our boy; his God given value, gifts, and life, in any way. And, neither can it reduce God's love and purpose in him. It is so true that I am honored to be Evod's mama through this, regardless of how excruciating our days can be, and it is a gift straight from God's heart to mine to allow me to see gems in the darkness.
Gems in the darkness? Yes, indeed. Some hours, even days.... days upon days sometimes, can seem and feel so very dark. There's no, foreseeable, way out. There's nothing I can do to make any of this better- to make my sweet boy better, make the days easier for my girls, or to relieve the pressure on my husband's heart. But, so often, when my own heart feels like it's beating outside of my chest on the cold floor in front of me, because it needed to escape, I see it... a gem in the darkness. A glimpse of new life; fruit, evidence, work of God in my sweet boy. It might seem so small, or even unnoticeable to some people, but to me it's nothing short of a gem glistening in the dark - reflecting the light of the Son.
Often times in our emotional, physical, and spiritual brokenness God does wonders in us; refining, strengthening, and sanctifying us. Mental Illness might be mysterious but it's no different than any other type of brokenness or illness that our frail human bodies endure. It might be foolishly placed in the "taboo" category, but how humans might view such things, certainly does not limit God's power and refining love exposed mightily through them.
Psychosis (audible and visual hallucinations), suicidal ideation, great degrees of anxiety, manic/violent/aggressive episodes, rapid/unpredictable/intense mood swings, depression, etc... are all things that a lot of people seem to have a hard time acknowledging, accepting, understanding, verbalizing, or hearing about. I admit those things are nothing short of being mysterious, complex, sometimes scary, and hard to relate to (unless/until you've experienced it or witnessed it first hand), but I refuse to pretend as though those symptoms (yes, that's what they are) are any less in need of exposure, awareness, compassion, and prayer than any other, more "acceptable", illness. I refuse to turn away and pretend that this is not our precious boy's reality (and each of ours in this family).
Rather than hiding away or being silent about real issues, I believe that Evod is most blessed when our words, and our actions, convey to him that we love him, as he is, and that we trust God's plans for his life even if illness, of any kind, is apart of that life. If we ignore or deny mental illness for what it is, then we are choosing to reject and isolate our son. We won't do that. We won't because we love our son and we trust God's sovereignty, love and faithfulness in this... and in Evod.
Every day, I pray for eyes to see what He wants me to see; in those moments that might seem like the opposite of beautiful but there is indeed raw beauty to be had, in those hours that I feel like I am at a complete loss but really I am gaining so much as God is seeing us through in spite of Evod's illness and my weakness, those instances when suddenly I see his genuine smile for the first time in awhile or the sparkle in his eye that seemed to dim for too long, those nights when I can watch my sweet boy sleep and pray for him and trust that his Creator is indeed moving in and loving on him.
Oh, like the tiny fragrant blossoms that adorn branches in early Spring like rubies, regardless of the harsh Winter that seemed to linger too long, God continues to bless us with gems made of precious hope. God is near and He is our gem that adorns our every day, even when my human eyes, hands, and heart are blinded by the sting of this long night. My heart is grateful for such joyful truth...
"Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb...
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You."
-Psalm 139:10-18
(In the picture above, I am 6 months pregnant with Evod.)
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