Can't Turn Back the Clock, Love Loudly This Hour

Full of toys and Eric Carl decals on the walls, we each took our turn in her office. She asked us deep questions regarding Evod; my pregnancy with him, how we came up with his name, his birth, our first days with him, what our worst fears are in terms of his future, etc... For Eric, the session took less than an hour. For me, it took over two. I know though, just because I had more words to say it doesn't mean I "feel" any more than Eric does. We are in this; as parents, lovers, friends, flawed humans, together. 

We briefly discussed our sessions and quickly discovered that we both started crying at the exact same question, "If you could change anything, what would you change." We both wish that we would have enjoyed more of our time with Evod; when things were easier, when our son wasn't tormented with anxiety and psychosis, when he received our love as easily as we gave it. 

At this time last year, our son was starting Kindergarten. He was bright eyed and so eager, with his curly hair and big grin. As I picture him, in my head, I desperately wish I could go back and hug him tighter, hold him longer and know that I stamped a permanent memory of love and encouragement in his beautiful mind. 

As I shuffle through the memories from one year ago, I had no way of knowing that he was having nocturnal seizures (the would soon escalate in frequency and intensity) and was facing such serious hurdles in his, barely, five year old life. But, soon, it would be evident as he, quite literally, had a mental breakdown within the first three weeks of Kindergarten. His teacher and I were in constant communication as she saw his very serious and rapid decline, and my utter shock, of what was unfolding in front of me. I did not see this coming. How could I? How could I ever have predicted my five year old expressing thoughts of suicide and slowly beginning to slip through my fingers? Im sorry, that's not something I ever saw myself having to omit from the scrapbook of memories collected from Evod's fifth year of life.

But, it is our life, and I don't want to keep my lips sealed and shy away from sharing about our very real life; struggles, victories, mistakes, fears, and hopes. I refuse to hide in embarrassment or fear. I refuse to waste time only resisting what God has allowed. I absolutely pray for mercy and hope for a new dawn, but I would be so blind not to see that there is STILL so much to enjoy, love, and learn from what has become of our lives. Yes, my heart breaks nearly every day with the stuff my son thinks, says, does, expresses, and endures but I love him dearly. I will never grow weary of showering him in my love and affection while trusting Jesus to cover him in grace, peace and hope. It's impossible for me to go back in time, but that only propels me to want to love my son (and my husband and daughters) more loudly NOW. This very hour, I want to love more loudly than ever before. I cannot take for granted simple things like time, ability, health... life. 

I sat in the psychiatrist's office, with tears streaming down my cheeks. While answering her questions and looking into her eyes, I couldn't help but nod my head and say, "But God..." He is bringing to life Evodence's name, He is creating depth out of our shallow souls, He is bringing strength and new life to our weary and dry bones. He is our living hope in this. Yes, I have fears but our Hope is greater still... because of Who Jesus is. Sitting there in a secular therapy session, discussing very serious and sad things, my heart was singing. Only God could do that, my friends... only God. 

Our son is starting round two of Kindergarten. This time, homeschool style. And me? It feels like I am starting Kindergarten for moms of special needs children. I have so much I need to learn, so many areas I could do better. At night, though, when I lay my head on my pillow, I simply hope that I loved loudly and pointed my sweet boy (and daughters) to the One who loves so much greater than I do, the One who is perfect in our weakness and who brings true joy that shines in the midst of physical and mental illness. Sure, I never expected our year to unfold as it did, but I also never could have imagined our joy and hope to be overflowing... like rain in the arroyo, in the middle of the dry desert, after a great and sudden downpour of rain. 

"But let all those who take refuge and put their trust in You rejoice; let them ever sing and shout for joy, because You make a covering over them and defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You and be in high spirits."  Psalm 5:11