I know that God has this. I know that He has my back and my world is in His hands. I can trust that... rest in that. My hope is full and I literally get excited thinking of God's purposes in this. It's just that, right now, in this moment... I want to cry. I want to vent. I want to throw porcelain plates on a concrete slab. I don't feel any shame in articulating my weakness in this; my desperation for Jesus in this. This is real life. My six year old son suffers from physical and mental illnesses, my marriage is being revamped and revived, I have had a migraine for over a month straight, Im trying to "do right by my kids" in this homeschooling gig, and, in the meantime, I'm trying to make sure my two little girls don't slip through the cracks. Im trying, and trust me, I know... there are others who have it worse, much worse.
Real life. There isn't a pause button, much less a rewind button. We can't stop and re-record our new desires, or lessons learned, over past memories or mistakes. Honestly, sometimes that reality equates to a lot of pressure; burdened shoulders, weary hearts. Truth be told, I am weary. But, I am not worn-out. You see, the definition of "worn-out" is: "worn or used until no longer usable or effective". It's because of Jesus; His faithfulness, His generosity, His grace, His strength being made perfect in my weakness, that that definition is not applicable to me. It's not because I am needed, because I am strong, or because "I've got this", but because of who Jesus is. It's because of the One who lives in me, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead inside of me, that I am absolutely [still] usable and effective in my busy and broken world.
On some days I can feel worn-out and come so close to owning that lie. It's tempting to sit around, paralyzed by the sting of all that is in front of me. Some hours, I can feel so isolated because, after all, who can relate to having a six year old that lives in a world where he feels [believes] that nearly everything and everyone are against him/want to harm him, to the point where fear and anxiety make it difficult for him to function? It's easy to feel alone in this extreme world where suicidal along with other dangerous thoughts, psychosis hallucinations, roaring rages and paranoia disrupt nearly every hour of our lives. It's easy to feel a lot of things - it's also easy to be misled by lies, misguided by expectations, and swept away by comparison. Hmm.... what's new/unique about that last sentence? Absolutely nothing. At the core, our family is dealing with the same issues as every other family.
It's so tempting to believe that we are alone, that no one understands or relates. It's easy, in our humanness, to feel like we have to climb out of our pits with our own bare hands, to come up with some clever idea to change our circumstance, and to be strong enough for ourselves and everyone around us. When that's our mindset we've got it all wrong; we've been deceived and we run the risk of being full on worn-out.
The humbling truth is that we were not created to mount up on our own strength, but to cry out to the One who is higher than our lowly place; rest in and rely on the One who will mount us up on wings like an eagle. In our weakness, in our disbelief, in our loneliness and lamenting our God wants us to "yet praise Him" (Psalm 42), not strive, in our own strength, and wear ourselves out... trying to be god of our own world.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
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