Avoiding How Things Appear, Denying How Things Are

I know that I am guilty of being too aware of what really doesn't matter, but why? Why do we allow the eyes of those around us affect us, even the darting gazes coming from complete strangers, totally and completely unattached to us and ignorant to our situation? Suddenly, we find ourselves caring so much about the perspective of those around us that we forget what really matters; what's the heart behind what we, ourselves, are seeing? It's a shame that, at times, I have allowed myself to merely address how something appears, and ultimately sacrifice a moment that could have yielded true fruit; conviction, repentance, forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation etc... Sure, we can aim to train a child to 'behave' perfectly in public, but what's going on in the privacy of their spirit, the depth of their heart or in the isolation of their mind? What, as a mom, am I missing because I am focusing, too much, on how things appear?

Especially now, that we are learning to cope with all the dynamics of having a 'special needs' child and wanting to help him as best we can, it is so important that we purpose to consider more than just how things appear to our eyes, much less to the eyes around us. As parents we have to learn to rid ourselves of the weight and pressures of the eyes staring at us from this harsh and judgmental world. The fact is, I don't want to hide my reality by striving so hard to change how it appears. This is my life, and I am learning as best I can as we go along. You see, I can't help but gleam so much from my sweet, beautiful, bright, and brave boy who exhibits behavior that of a misunderstood "brat"/ out of control child. I want to go deeper than just how things appear; how he is perceived, how my parenting looks, and wondering if my family fits into what society views as acceptable. 

We don't need to be acceptable to this temporary home! I don't want to push my children away, by simply pushing them to appear perfect, and not lovingly and boldly tending to their inward being. Yes, discipline, and natural lessons on cause and effect/consequences, will always be apart of our lives, but how we go about it can either root us in truth or in a shakable facade. There is so much risk in the latter. Really, it becomes a matter of what we are sewing into our children and saying about ourselves; true unity vs. disconnect, honesty vs hypocrisy, skin deep smiles/manners/'good' behavior vs. genuine joy/conviction/ fruit.

I get it, sometimes it's a matter of respect and obedience and our children listening to us regardless of what they want, but that really isn't the focus of what I am trying to convey, right now. You see, I think we all know that it's natural to get a little worked up, frustrated, or even, at times, a little embarrassed if our children "misbehave" in public (or in front of anyone, for that matter), but I don't want those things to get in the way of me truly parenting, rather than merely directing. Who cares who's watching? Who cares what "it" looks like? Who cares how you are perceived? Only we walk in our shoes. Only we know our children better than anyone. And, they [our children] also know us better than anyone. That last sentence is sobering and raw accountability oozes from it (what does my reaction, discipline, response to the eyes around me, say about me?).

It is not my aim to raise well-behaved robots that internally want to rebel. I want to be real with my children, when no one is watching and real with them when every momma's set of eyes are on us. I want my son to know he has my attention; my eyes, my ears, and my heart focused on him... in those complex, painful, confusing, aggressive, passionate moments (episodes), regardless of who is or isn't watching. I want him to know that those eyes simply don't matter because I know him, I know that he isn't a brat, a weirdo, or a freak. Because... I love him, regardless.

Shame on me, if I choose to "appear" a certain way in spite of what my beautiful, but sometimes complicated, reality is. My son is a boy who happens to battle and live with mental illness and, as his parents, we want to be the ones to teach him to boldly resist and care-less about labels that come his way, simply because of the way he appears to the world around him. Regardless of how heavy the pressure of the many eyes that are watching can be, I have to be willing to ignore every single one of them because ultimately.... my children are watching me; my reactions/my pride/ my humility/my expressions/my life. My children's eye, and hearts, matter more...

...in this world. not of it.